Boundaries/Transparency in Non-marriage relationships

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Today, 02:57 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Forum Supporter ? Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 1,522	OK I have a question for my favorite relationship community. I feel pretty solid on boundaries and transparency in marriages. You're committed for life, certain things are not acceptable. For me that looks like no texts to other men, no GNOs to the bar, full transparency with phones, emails, passwords etc. I don't feel like this is something that you just "flip on." ie, I don't expect that a woman goes on vegas trips with her single girlfriends on her bachelorette party, and then never again after she's married. I feel like there should be a progression towards this as the relationship advances. My question is, how does this look? I am now in month six of a relationship, and this weekend was kind of pivotal. It kind of forced me to rethink some of the communication I've been having with the opposite sex. The girl had some behaviors when we were casually dating that would be issues to me if we were married. Meaning she did a lot of GNOs to the bar, a handful of guy friends, trips to see guy friends. I completely understand that, seeing as how she was single for 8 years and I wouldn't expect anyone I was casually dating to alter their life. As we became exclusive she dialed back a lot of that stuff. She didn't go on a few road trips with guys to go to concerts, she didn't go on a vacation with her single girlfriend. She still does GNOs on occasion, and she still has some guy friends she talks to. I was pretty much OK with that up until this weekend. We exchanged the L word, and after meeting some of these guys this weekend, I feel like I'm at the point where I don't think one on one communication is really wise. We chatted about it today, I mentioned how I felt, and mentioned as well that I also have girls that I talk to that is probably not appropriate. We both came to the same conclusion, we think we should discuss it further but neither of us is ready to say we're not going to communicate with opposite sex friends yet. I also think it would be a little much after 6 months to ask someone to not go drinking with their same-sex friends anymore, even though I think it's a risky behavior. So what is your take on this? I know not everyone is anti-GNO, for those of you that are, when is an appropriate time for that to stop? When is it appropriate for private communication to stop with opposite sex friends? How do you transition to all of these boundaries gracefully? And if you're not married, is it appropriate to ask for someone else's phone/email/web passwords? Last edited by COguy; Today at 04:02 PM.
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Today, 04:37 PM	? #6 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 38	Quote: OK I have a question for my favorite relationship community. I feel pretty solid on boundaries and transparency in marriages. You're committed for life, certain things are not acceptable. For me that looks like no texts to other men, no GNOs to the bar, full transparency with phones, emails, passwords etc. I don't feel like this is something that you just "flip on." ie, I don't expect that a woman goes on vegas trips with her single girlfriends on her bachelorette party, and then never again after she's married. I feel like there should be a progression towards this as the relationship advances. My question is, how does this look? I am now in month six of a relationship, and this weekend was kind of pivotal. It kind of forced me to rethink some of the communication I've been having with the opposite sex. The girl had some behaviors when we were casually dating that would be issues to me if we were married. Meaning she did a lot of GNOs to the bar, a handful of guy friends, trips to see guy friends. I completely understand that, seeing as how she was single for 8 years and I wouldn't expect anyone I was casually dating to alter their life. As we became exclusive she dialed back a lot of that stuff. She didn't go on a few road trips with guys to go to concerts, she didn't go on a vacation with her single girlfriend. She still does GNOs on occasion, and she still has some guy friends she talks to. I was pretty much OK with that up until this weekend. We exchanged the L word, and after meeting some of these guys this weekend, I feel like I'm at the point where I don't think one on one communication is really wise. We chatted about it today, I mentioned how I felt, and mentioned as well that I also have girls that I talk to that is probably not appropriate. We both came to the same conclusion, we think we should discuss it further but neither of us is ready to say we're not going to communicate with opposite sex friends yet. I also think it would be a little much after 6 months to ask someone to not go drinking with their same-sex friends anymore, even though I think it's a risky behavior. So what is your take on this? I know not everyone is anti-GNO, for those of you that are, when is an appropriate time for that to stop? When is it appropriate for private communication to stop with opposite sex friends? How do you transition to all of these boundaries gracefully? And if you're not married, is it appropriate to ask for someone else's phone/email/web passwords? Married or not a person is entitled to their privacy. As a woman, I may have private conversations with my friends about any number of things that are private. The same goes for my husband. My husband and I don't have anything blocked so it would be easy to pry. But we don't because we trust each other, and respect the other persons privacy. There are compromises on both parts in every successful relationship. I feel it's unfair to ask a person to drop friends, or things he/she may enjoy. Trust and respect are essential to any relationship. It'd be a good idea for you to figure out why you want to be so controlling.
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Today, 08:34 PM	? #13 (permalink)
Forum Supporter ? Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 1,522	Quote: I am not against GNO. I'm also not with the idea of cutting off half the world to benefit one person. I do have some male friends. If we are going to meet, my husband is invited. If we talk on the phone, my husband is informed. If he chooses to not go or has a concern, I listen and make a decision. We have only had one instance where it became a concern because the guy was being disrespectful about my husband, and I told him not to contact me again after my husband shared his thoughts. Kathy your response really surprises me, I've always respected your advice and viewed it as insightful. As a married person, I would in no way be OK with opposite sex one on one meetings. GNO to meat markets I'm not comfortable with. I guess I've heard too many stories and seen too much, I'm just not open to those kind of arrangements. I'm interested to see why you think that is OK though. I'm not opposed to HAVING opposite sex friends I suppose, just anything that would create private conversations or one on one activities.
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